Did you know 1 in 4 women who fall pregnant either suffer a miscarriage, still birth or neonatal birth? I bet you didn’t realise how common it was right? But if something so life changing as this is so common, then why aren’t more women talking and opening up about their experiences? Knowledge is power it really is. In this post I will be discussing just four of the many things you probably don’t want to say to someone who has had to go through the terrible ordeal of loosing a child. If we do not speak about our experiences and share them with both those who have gone through the same things and those who haven’t, we can not expect people to understand. More often than not people try to make you feel better when you have lost your baby, but a lot of the time they are most likely making you feel worse. Here are a few things people have said to me after loosing little baby Hope.
“You’ll be a mum one day don’t worry”
This has to be one of the most offensive and insensitive things you could say to a women who has lost her baby. I know a lot of people have said this to me after what I went through, and I don’t really think it makes too much sense. There is this stigma that if your baby or toddler dies, you are no longer a mum. I am sorry but this is madness, it is almost as if society didn’t see that little soul as a real person or living thing, because they maybe never touched the earth or only done so for a short period of time. This mindset has to be changed. Just because I am not skipping down the street happily with my happy and healthy baby, I am no less of a mother. Any women on this earth who has suffered a miscarriage or a still birth are still mothers. We are mothers who will sadly never see our babies grow up, we will never see them take their first steps, never cry as we send them off to school, never get to see them play, we will never get to know what their little personalities would have been like. Just because our children do not walk the earth, it doesn’t mean we are not mums. The love for your child begins the day you have a positive pregnancy test, the moment you know there is a tiny little human growing inside of you, that is the moment you become a mum, that is the moment you feel unconditional love.
“Don’t worry your time will come”
There is no wrong or right time to enter this place we call home, and when someone says this to me, I think to myself ‘why are you saying that? Can you predict the future then?’ Nobody can predict the future, and saying this to someone who has just lost their baby doesn’t make them feel any better, it just makes them question things in their mind so much more. What if our time doesn’t come? What if you are saying this to someone who has been told she won’t ever be able to have children?
“It obviously wasn’t meant to be”
Now. You would never say these words to someone who just lost a Grandparent or any other family member, so why say it to a women who has lost her child? It is almost looked upon that a baby still in the womb isn’t a human being yet. When in fact they are, they have vital organs, they have a heart, that was once beating, they were growing to hopefully one day be able to walk on the earth. But sadly too many don’t make it.
“You can always try again”
People seem to think that conceiving a child is a super easy thing to do. The media and magazines make it sound like it is an easy thing to do. When in fact in reality it isn’t. Some people try for a baby for years, and sadly some are never successful, which is why a lot of people then turn to IVF or other ways in which they can have a child on the earth of their own. It is very easy for a women who had an easy, successful pregnancy to not understand what I am talking about here. But, please realise, you are one of the few lucky ones. Most women take a long time to fall pregnant, especially after a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Our bodies have undergone a huge trauma, and sometimes even the thought of trying again is enough for us to think right back to the time when it didn’t work out for us.
More needs to be done to educate people who have never experienced baby or child loss, the next generation of young women must be made aware that as sad as it is, it is very common for pregnancy to end in miscarriage or still birth. All too often we see women on social media, who seem to have the perfect pregnancies, we watch baby adverts that are all happy and playful. But what we don’t see is women voicing their experience to the world or adverts/events raising awareness on this topic. It is almost seen as though women should not talk about their experience, and especially among those who are currently pregnant, it is like the words miscarriage or still birth is banned, words to be frowned upon or whispered in public places. This should not be the case. Talking and sharing raises awareness. If you are talking to a friend or family member that has experienced a loss of a child, please be mindful of how you speak to them and think before your speak. Remember not everyone is as privileged to have a healthy happy baby walking the earth.
If you have gone through a miscarriage or stillbirth, I would love to hear from you, or even share your story. If you are not quite ready to share with the world yet, but need a friendly understanding ear to listen to, then feel free to give me a message, I would be happy to listen and share experiences with each other.